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The moment I learned the difference between settling, having standards, and being picky in my life.

It doesn't take long for someone to label you "too picky" when your idea of happiness doesn't fit into their perceived notion about what it should actually be. I learned very quickly about the differences between settling and standards when I realized I wasn't following the same formulas as everyone else did. Hopefully what I've learned can help another woman who constantly asks herself that dreaded question "is it me?"

First and foremost let me start by answering yes, it is you... and I promise it's NOT a bad thing. I often wonder, why is it that society ridicules us women for being "picky" about the small trivial things like what to eat, what to wear, how our hair and makeup looks, and whether or not to go to Ashley's event because we aren't sure who's invited, and we don't have time for the drama... but on the other hand expect us to just "go with the flow" about the things that actually matter like what job we'll choose, who we'll marry (or not), whether we have kids (or not), and where we decide to live. It was very confusing to me at an earlier point in my life. I had to examine myself and what made me so rebellious toward a woman's ability to just settle with anything and anyone. I had to learn the difference in that I wasn't settling, I just enforce standards. Here's what I can say...

I remember being in my first job out of undergrad many years ago, eager to begin teaching. However, after years went by I knew that based on the salary, daily commitment, and dreaded routine, I wouldn't remain an educator for long. So you see, I knew that wasn't my final long term career plan because I have a standard for my life and I require more out of the daily position I work in. I knew that in order for me to be at my best, I needed to change my environment to one that would render sustainability at a level I'm conformable with for that time being. I also noticed a difference within myself when I decided to let go of a relationship with a guy that outsiders would have looked at and saw perfection in our image together. You know the dreaded #relationshipgoals . We both came from loving homes, both have degrees, both from similar areas, and both were bound for success in our lives however it were to manifest it self. However, for me, I saw past the surface because of course I was the one in the relationship. I saw that he had no desire whatsoever to grow, I saw the inconsistencies in the relationship, I was a part of the emotional abuse. I remember a friend distinctly telling me "you're too picky, you give up easily, and you're never going to get married with this attitude". Needless to say, we are no longer friends, but I digress. The thing that stuck out to me was the notion that this particular friend knew the dynamics of that relationship from the inside, and still made the recommendation for me to stay. It was at that moment I realized, there's a difference between settling, having standards, and being picky.

See most women would see the package before them and think "How could I leave him?" or "How could I leave this job?". Any other woman would be happy to have him, or happy to have the salary and benefits I was receiving at such a young age. However, that's when my intuition and spirit guided me instead of listening to what others had to say. One thing I have learned is that if it doesn't feel right, there's a reason. Your job is to figure out what that reason is and make an assessment as to what you need to do next.

So What's the obvious difference between settling, having standards, and being "picky"?


You are 100% certain that you can do better, you just choose not to because of the fear that you'll be lonely, unwanted, too old, unqualified, or inexperienced. You find an excuse to stay where you are as opposed to making yourself and everything around you elevate to function where you have your highest frequency. Settling is a decision. It's a decision to remain complacent. It's a decision to handle the cards you have been dealt instead of drawing from the deck to pick up better cards. It's taking the lemons and NOT making lemonade. It's basically making the best of a crappy situation because some level of insecurity deep down is telling you this is all you're worth. That is settling.


Now, your friend "standards" reads to the outside world that everything handed to you will either be kept or discarded according to the internal rubric and guidelines you have set for your life. Ideally, you govern everything you do by this internal rubric. This rubric includes your morals, values, self worth, and vision for your life. This rubric is open for additions, but nothing will be subtracted. Why? Because these standards are the bare minimum of what you will accept. Will this do some filtering in the jobs you take or the men you date? Absolutely. However, for me, having standards makes the weeding out process much easier. It exposes the weak links and allows you to focus your time ad energy on what matters most.


Now our friend "Picky" is friends with "The List" which most times contain unattainable and unrealistic expectations for the job you should have or the man you should spend your life with. This would include ridiculous things such as must be a Miami Heat Fan, must like dogs only, must wear glasses etc... these things are nice preferences but they aren't deal breakers. The list could also include frivolous career demands such as must have 2 hour lunch break, must have 300k Salary, must have all Holidays off, and must have menstrual days off with pay. Now again, these are nice, but are they the absolute bare minimum of what you would accept in a position? The answer is no. Being picky is basically getting carried away. Don't exclude a man because he isn't the ideal height or his profession is far from what you can understand. Don't limit your pool to one type of person because the ideal person may look nothing like you expect them too.

You are worthy of a fulfilled life.

The difference is standards let's the world know you care about yourself but you're also realistic about what you should be able to obtain. Picky people usually are tied to a materialistic view point and miss the whole notion of true partnership or true value in a company. Settling is what you result to when you are just afraid nothing else in good in life would ever come to you. So I want to encourage you all to get some standards about your lives. Don't just let everyone and everything in. Check coats at the door of your heart because you never know what kind of baggage people are bringing into your life. Energy, spirit, and vibes are real. Govern yourself accordingly so that you may live your best life possible.

-Genesis 50:19 #Soulfood



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